Banner by the marvellous suki_blue. Thank you, hon!
Title: Unfinished Business, Part 13
Summary: What if the amulet was delivered to Xander instead of Angel?
Rating: Mild NC-17
Word count: 567
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and all companies associated with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They are not mine. I just have more fun with them.
Beta: The lovely and talented snowpuppies, who can't help being adorable.
A/N: For velvetwhip
Posted to: My journal and bloodclaim
"Yeah, I know I haven’t called for weeks. Yeah, I know I’m a bad friend. Yeah, I know you love me anyway. Um, Wills? Got a little sitch here…"
From the corner of his eye, Xander could see a rampant cock and rippling six pack heading for the bathroom. He kinda hoped Spike planned to deal with said rampant cock in private to spare his blushes, but the concept of Spike and modesty in the same city, never mind the same sentence, was so hard to imagine that his brain made a valiant bid for escape by way of his ears.
He didn’t dare look higher, to perky nipples topped by a knowing grin and glittering eyes. Everything above the waist was becoming as tempting as everything below it, which was…
“Now, that’s seriously disturbing.”
"Huh? Xander? Are you okay?"
“Sorry, Wills. I got, um, distracted. Thing is…I wanna have crazy monkey sex!”
“Willow? Are you still there? Sorry. That didn’t come out right. Not that I don’t wanna have crazy monkey sex, but I planned to slide into it.”
A snicker over his left shoulder alerted him that some things could be better expressed.
"Sounds like someone’s having a bad day. You know you don’t wanna have sex with me ‘cos that’d be, you know, so retro. Besides, Kennedy would do that thing. You know, the one where she kills us both horribly?"
“Not so much bad, as very confusing. And I’ve always been scared of Kennedy, but that’s pushed fear right into the area of terrifying. Anyways, problem is, there’s a naked vampire wandering around my apartment, being all entice-y.”
"Xander, tell me you didn’t let an unbreathing girl pick you up! You know better than that. Go, stake her now! Just say no to biting."
“And why didn’t you assume I picked her up? Oh, right. Anyhoo, staking h…them isn’t an option.” He took a deep breath. “It’s a vampwithsoul.”
"Did you just say it’s a ham with fries? Because sheesh, Xander, if you said what I thought you said… Put Angel on the phone."
“Angel? What’s Broody McBrood got to do with this?”
"As far as I know, he’s the only vamp with a soul…’cept for Spike."
Xander suddenly found himself with a lap full of, blessedly for his heart rate, unnaked walking dead.
Spike picked the receiver from his nerveless hand. “Red? It’s me.” He held the receiver at full extension for 30 seconds then returned it to his ear. “Now now, no need to get so excited about it. I know you’ve missed me...”
…then almost threw the receiver back at Xander. “Maybe you’d better finish your chit chat with the witch, mate. She doesn’t seem to appreciate my dulcet tones.”
Xander sighed and put it to his ear. This could’ve gone better.
“Hi again, Wills!” he said brightly. “I should probably have added that Entice-y Vamp is a ghost and he keeps being dragged down, hellwards.” He glared at Spike. “I would’ve, if he’d given me another, oh, two minutes.”
"So, you want to have nutsy gorilla sex with Spike but he doesn’t stick around long enough?"
“Wow, impressed by your grasp of the deeply weird situation!”
"Ooh, I’m right? Excitement! This is new, what with the newness and everything. I’ll be there tomorrow, laptop in lap and volume-y texts in hand luggage. And you’d better be ready with a good reason for why you want to do sexy stuff with Spike, Mister. He’s cute, if you squint, but you hated him!"
“Desperation is a terrible thing, Willow.”